The first days after the injury


I’m dreaming a dream that has been going on repeat in my mind for a long time…

Bib bib bib…The clock is ticking down and I’m preparing for my showtime… My heart is beating hard inside my chest. My eyes can only see the first gate. My ears are sensitive to catch the sudden sounds. My feelings are uncontrollable. Joy, expectation, nervousness and a lot of concentration. My focus ability is on top. And I feel so strong. I ski like a strong man, in an elegant woman’s body. I’m tough and I go for it every single turn. I move forward, I’m active and when there is a difficulty I know in the deep of my bones that I can if I’m just stepping forwards and just push a bit harder. I know I can do it. And I do it. I cross the finish line with a smile.

I’m coming back to reality and open my eyes. Realize that that dream is far away. It stings a little under the eyelids. The tears zips through. I’m trying to pull and push my heel forwards and backwards on a slippy surface to succeessfully bend it. It both sounds and feels about as bad as going skiing with the best racing skis I have on a dirt road. I bite my teeth together and ignore the sharp pain I feel. Back and forth, hour after hour. I know we must all start somewhere. You just need to have a plan where you want to go or a motivation burning inside and a lot of times that is lid up by the goal. All hours of tears and hard work are not always fun. To me, it’s about fulfilling my dream, to show to myself that I can do what I want. Nothing is impossible. The impossible just takes a bit longer.

To me it would never be worth it if it wasn’t because I totally love the journey. Skiing is incredibly fun. It is addictive. One more time… You may know the feeling. If not, it’s the adrenaline that kicks in like the most powerful drug, the speed, the freedom, the feeling that you are totally in control but still don’t have a chance to control it all, constant challenges and improvement potential. You choose if you want it socially or just lonely. When you ski well, you have to push with every little penal you have. You get the best of all worlds. It’s a great sport. Nice to watch too. Sometimes.
Just as I lay on the couch pulling my knee back and forth on the coffee table, I have absolutely no desire to turn the TV on. I can not meet with happy happy friends who just score another PR, I can not see the happy faces and get reminded one more time that they can do the things that I long for so much that the tears come. In this moment I’m more selfish than I’m caring. I use all my power to get in to my little bubble and stay there. Trying to focus on more positive things in life…